


Poison at The Edges of Gold

by Sailingfreely



Category: GOT7
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Don't worry no sad ending, Established Relationship, Jackson-centric, M/M, Paraplegia, Physical Disability, They are struggling, slight suicidal thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-15
Updated: 2018-09-15
Packaged: 2018-10-05 17:07:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 21,381
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10313033
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sailingfreely/pseuds/Sailingfreely
Summary: Jackson is convinced he had lost everything and Jaebum is there to prove him wrong.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Although this chapter will seem like it had ended, there are still more chapters.
> 
> I hope you all will be patient with me ^^

Amidst all the pain, all the blaring noises of people shouting, sirene and honks, Jackson remember the irony of snow falling beautifully on that night. Slow and graceful upon his unmoving figure on the road, warm from his own blood and cold as it left him. And he remember as a snow caught in his eyelashes, he had wondered through the pain, 'why I can't feel my legs?'

"Hey."

Jackson slightly turning his head to the side at the soft call, lying on uncomfortable hospital bed and blinking languidly still drugged to apathy. There was his lover smiling to him, trying to cheer him up, part supporting and part feeling sorry. And Jackson could only reply with closing his eyes and took a deep breath.

"How are you feeling?"

Jackson took a moment to relish in the gentle caresses on his head, to take all of the kindness given to him as he needs it badly to cast away the memory of terror he had just experienced. It was only two days ago when he had a car accident.

"Good I guess, considering I got into a big surgery and barely feel any pain now," he finally answered, voice soft as it influenced by the drugs within him.

There was a hum and Jackson didn't even try to open his eyes to know what look Jaebum have on his face. "Tell me if you feel any pain, okay? I know the doctors said they are maintaining a steady dose so you wouldn't feel any pain, but still... You tend to hide it when you're hurt."

Jackson softly chuckled, opening his eyes to stare back to Jaebum, "I won't this time... If anything I may scream from it."

And when Jaebum bit his lower lip, Jackson know he's thinking too much, "I'll be fine Jaebum, you were the one who heard it when the doctor said the surgery went well and I'll be okay."

"It didn't went well enough," there's a tremble in Jaebum's voice, a sad glint in his eyes which telling Jackson that the man is barely holding himself.

"I'm alive Jaebum, the most important thing is that I'm still alive," Jackson took Jaebum's hand and kissed it, reassuring and as a comfort that he's going to be fine. Jaebum solemnly nodded, a small smile on his face as he leaned down to connect their foreheads. And as Jackson close his eyes again, he repeated the words in his mind like a prayer, 'the important thing is that I'm alive.'

 

\--

 

"Where's my mom?" Jackson asked sleepily as he was just waking up, glancing to where Jaebum was sitting.

"Your parents out for a while to have dinner with mine," he answered and put away the book he was reading, sliding his chair closer to the bedside. "Your dinner came already, you want to have it now? The menu for tonight is nice."

Jackson hummed and watching as Jaebum move to push the meal table to the bed, agile fingers opening the wraps off of the plates and bowls. "Have you had dinner yet?"

"I will after your mom come back so you won't be alone," he smiled and pushed the table even closer and inclining the upper side of the bed so Jackson could eat easier. "Is this enough or should I push it up more?"

"It's okay, thank you," Jackson then begin eating while Jaebum going back to his chair.

"Eat slowly, you just woke up after all. Want me to turn on the TV?"

"Is that okay? Isn't the patients beside me sleeping?"

Jaebum chuckled in amusement, "you really didn't notice? We moved you to a single patient room, you were in a very deep slumber it seems."

Jackson gaped, looking around and indeed even the wallpaper are different, "you moved me here when I was sleeping? But why?"

"We can't stay with you at night in the previous room, so we moved you here so that you won't be alone. This room have a very long visiting hours and allow two person to accompany the patient at night."

"Wow, but isn't it expensive?" to which Jaebum's only response was a smile and Jackson know he wouldn't tell him the details. "Who's going to stay with me tonight?"

"Tonight is only me, initially your mom wanted to stay but I told her to go back home, she seems tired."

Jackson nodded while chewing on his food, "she haven't been sleeping since yesterday... You too, and you have work tomorrow, you should go home too. I'm fine alone, at least for tonight have a good rest, I'll be fine."

"Even if I go home, I won't be able to sleep thinking about you here," he chuckled when Jackson throw his head back exasperatedly.

"Honey, it's a good hospital and the doctors and nurses taking a really good care of me, what could happen?"

"But what if they take care of you too good then?" Jaebum teased and happy seeing Jackson have the mood to mock him with a dramatic eye roll, that means he's feeling better.

"Yah, what are you implying, huh?"

"I'm not implying anything, what are you thinking?"

Jackson pretend to get annoyed with Jaebum's giggles, "god I can't even have a quiet dinner with you."

"Since when quite ever define us? I can't seem to recall when you've been quiet."

"Really Jaebum? I'm going to splash you with this soup," he said jokingly, grinning a bit at their bickering.

"How does the food taste?" he asked instead still with a lingering giggle.

"Like hospital food, you want to try? It's not bad."

"you just said it taste like hospital food, then you said it's not bad, so actually is it good or bad?"

"Do you know there's something that is not bad but not good either? It's just so-so."

A soft laugh bubbling up from Jaebum's warming chest, reaching out his hand to stroke Jackson's head and cheek with endearment in his eyes. He feels his heart elated a bit seeing Jackson in a relatively good mood and even able to joke around since the previous day he barely talk and opted to keep sleeping than to see pity in other's eyes.

"What?" Jackson inquired because Jaebum so suddenly touching him like that.

"Nothing, I'm just happy," he said and relieved to see Jackson smiling back at him with much affection. He have to be careful with his words, it's still a sensitive time so he's relieved to know he hadn't said the wrong words.

They took a moment to bask in silent affection before Jackson start eating again, tired from Jaebum's fussing how he should finish it all and not leave even a grain of rice.

 

\--

 

It's been a few weeks and the scars on Jackson's skin already closing up nicely and his physiotherapy is starting. Since Jaebum have work from Monday to Friday, he can only accompany Jackson in hospital for a whole day at weekends, then when it's weekdays he stay for a few hours only and go home later. Jackson's mother and Jaebum's mother are the ones who's alternating at weekdays to accompany Jackson so he would never be alone, although sometimes Jaebum go against Jackson's scolding and stayed the night at weekday.

Jackson is mostly well. He's also cheerful and still bright enough to make jokes, but it's so apparent that he's not half as cheerful as he did before the accident happened. Sometimes when others are talking and laughing he would smile with a hollow look in his eyes then shut out the world as he's drowning in his own thoughts. Sometimes he's too moody he didn't even want to talk or smile and choosing to keep sleeping and going as far as not wanting to be touched by anyone.

The first few days after the nurse took out his catheter was probably the most moody he had been. Since he have no catheter, he have to go to toilet by himself and that's when everything starting to feel undeniably real. At first it was always Jaebum who had helped him go to the toilet, picking him up from the bed and sit him down on the toilet then proceed to open his pants since Jackson still can't bend over too far. At first Jackson had joked about the situation and Jaebum almost thought he was accepting. Almost.

"So now I have to pee like a girl sitting like this huh?" he chuckled and there wasn't any weird look in his eyes as if he's only joking with a light heart, so Jaebum smiled back still with worry swimming in his eyes.

It wasn't a joke. It was Jackson leaving a dent on his already broken heart. Part denying, part frustration and Jaebum failed to catch on. He was being careful, too careful that Jaebum was unable to say anything. Seeing Jackson being dependent on him like that hurts him too. There are so many times he wanted to look away when he saw Jackson's legs, the hard facts are usually the hardest to take in, forever a reminder of misfortune and nightmares to come. Still beautiful like he always remembered, but no longer able to stand on it's own.

Gradually Jackson stop asking for Jaebum's help to go to toilet and instead call a nurse to help him. It had stung so much, Jaebum felt slightly betrayed and untrustworthy, but he slowly try to understand that Jackson need time to accept everything. So he tries to help Jackson in anything else other than that.

When it comes to Jackson's physiotherapy, Jaebum is practically clueless. Every time he asked about it Jackson always said that it's going well and then changed the topic. Every time the physiotherapy about to start either Jackson or one of their parent will asked him to do something which consist of him being away from the hospital room. He wanted to ask why but he didn't because Jackson giving him a look that is telling him he didn't want him to know.

It was Wednesday when Jaebum took an early leave from his work wanting to see Jackson sooner. At Tuesday's evening Jackson was in a rarely good mood and his smile was as bright as it was in the past. Jaebum hoped he'd starting to accept reality better now.

But his hope crushed to the ground when he heard a loud harsh yell coming from Jackson's hospital room. Jaebum feel his heart dropping when he hurried into the room, finding Jackson crying and yelling while clenching his legs, his physiotherapist hovering beside him trying to calm him down.

"Jackson-shi, you're going to hurt your skin if you do that!"

"It's not hurt, I can't feel anything, even if you chop off this legs it won't even hurt at all! Does it even bleed? It doesn't feel like my body..." Jackson then cried again, hitting his legs in anger and frustration, "move dammit! Move! I can't feel anything, fuck! I don't need these legs!"

"Jackson-shi," the physiotherapist try to soothe which fell on deaf ears, grabbing Jackson's shoulder to hold him back and Jaebum feels his life drained at the sight. His heart shatters at Jackson's cries and screams, the way his reddening eyes wide in anger and anguish, the way he swung down his fist to his legs repeatedly and this was the truth of his heart, wide open like a gash. With a painful realization Jaebum came to know, this is Jackson now, broken and shattering. The one who had laughed with him in the evenings and at weekends was his mask, the denial and illusion of living the same life they had before the accident happened.

And it hurts, hurts so bad to realized that Jackson didn't want to show him this part of him, didn't trust him enough to let him share the pain together and instead choosing to suffer alone. Then what is he? What is Jaebum to Jackson if he tries to handle it by himself? Wasn't he supposed to be his partner? Wasn't they supposed to care and support each other in everything?

"Jackson..." he called as he noticed the sting of brimming tears in his own eyes. His lover halted in shock after hearing his voice, because Jaebum shouldn't be there, nobody should be there when he was crashing, breaking as his scar open for the world to see. Jackson looked up for a moment before he bend his body forward and cries again, hiding his face from Jaebum yet at the moment he wasn't able to swallow in his cries.

Jaebum take it all in his warm embrace, sitting on the bed then engulfing Jackson with his arms and broad chest to lean on, for Jackson to pour his sorrow and anger and to feel endless love and support from him. The physiotherapist took it as a cue to leave the room when Jaebum showering Jackson's face with kisses, murmuring love and understanding. And Jackson grasping at him so tightly and desperately, heart wrenching cries filling the room and an echo of those tears rolling down on Jaebum's cheeks more silently. They love each other so much it's not clear who's the one hurting more.

It took a while for Jackson to calm down and finally stop crying. Jaebum lying beside him in the narrow hospital bed and Jackson burying his face to the crook of Jaebum's neck, still hiccuping at times when his chest tightening at the reminder of his current fate. Jaebum use an arm to cradle him and the other to stroke Jackson's back soothingly.

"I won't be able to even go to the toilet by myself now..." Jackson muttered lowly, a cry still underlying his voice.

"You will Jackson, you will be able to do many things still and I will always be there with you to help you, no matter what path you choose," he answered in an equally low and gentle voice, kissing the side of Jackson's head.

"I will become a burden to everyone..."

"You won't baby, you are you, no matter what. We loves you, you'll never be a burden, ever. Everyone is missing you, just seeing you being healthy is enough. As long as you're here with me, well and happy, then I'm happy and grateful."

Jackson sniffed, "how can I be happy when I can't use my legs?"

"It's hard, I know... And I don't exactly know what you're going through and I might not always be able to give the answer you seek," Jaebum lean back to be able to look straight into Jackson's eyes, deep, sad yet beautiful as always. "Let me be with you through all your pains and sorrow, let it all out and don't hold it down inside. I'll always be here, I'm never going anywhere and I know, we will get to it, we will get through all this and you'll come back stronger. You're not alone Jackson, so don't take it alone, share it with me, that's what I'm here for. I love you..."

"Even if... Even if we can't have sex anymore? And I can't give you anything back?"

"It's okay, I don't mind," Jaebum chuckled when Jackson hiccups again, so he pokes his nose adoringly, "I love you, Jackson. Although I love having sex with you, it's just an extra package. And we don't know it yet, we can try to explore it if you feel the need to, but I'm okay with anything as long as I have you with me."

Jackson lets out a mixed noises of cries and soft laughter, pressing his face further into the skin of Jaebum's neck. "I-I can't continue fencing... I'll be a burden to you, you work by your own for us... Why would you want that?"

"If you're dependent on me then I can make sure you can't live without me," he laughed softly when Jackson slapped his chest and whined 'I'm serious'. "Don't worry, we can get to it slowly, step by step. Maybe you'll find something you want to do later, or if you want to be a househusband that's perfectly fine with me, it will make me happy with whatever you decide to do as long as you're also happy and comfortable with it."

Jackson bring his hand to Jaebum's head, brushing the dark hair fondly and rest it on his cheek, whispering as he gaze into Jaebum's eyes, "how can you love me so?"

"Because it's you, there's no reason to not love you," he took Jackson's hand and kissed it, place it back to his cheek as he loves it.

"Even now?" then Jackson quickly add when Jaebum about to protest, "I love you, that's why I can't bear it if you stay with me... I don't want to drag you down."

"If you take yourself away from me, that's the only thing which will kill me. I swear Jackson, I can't live without you anymore," Jaebum hugs Jackson tighter, burying his face to Jackson's hair. "Don't ever say that again... Don't do it to me. If you love me, then stay with me."

Jackson didn't answer, but his smile and the way he reciprocate Jaebum's embrace are enough. Through thick and thin they'll be together. Now they're both learning to accept and it will be hard and harsh, but they believe as long as they're together, they will get through it.


	2. Drowning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jackson tries to be optimistic, but the thing about emotions is that they are unpredictable. Jaebum might have realized it a bit too late.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for my English and grammar, I'm sorry if I somehow did offended anyone. Maybe there's an insensitive wording or something.
> 
> Thank you for reading and happy angsty~!

It was a fine morning, the sun high in a blue sky and that day was warmer than the previous days. A perfect day for Jackson to finally go home. Away from the narrow and hard hospital bed, away from the almost bland foods, away from the sorrowful and sickening smell of hospital, away from trouble sleeping due to a constant visit from the nurses and the doctors. Away from the nightmare which caused him trapped inside that hospital room, from a harsh and maddening memory.

At least at home he can relax his skin. Although his nightmare will still haunt his sleeping and waking hours, the familiarity of his home would be able to soothe it a little bit. That day as Jackson stay lying on the bed, others are busy packing to bring him home, even his close friend are coming to help and also to celebrate his discharge.

"Babe, which sweater you want to wear?" Jaebum called and showing him three different sweaters for Jackson to pick. Jackson wordlessly took the black one, knowing that Jaebum had guessed it right from the start as he said, "well, I just had to ask..."

Jackson can change out of the hospital top by himself but not the lower parts, so he's not surprised when Jaebum half manhandling him and put him seated at the edge of the bed. It's not awkward anymore when Jaebum opens Jackson's pants with intention to dress him because he's unable to. Pulling up socks to his ankles and lay Jackson back down to the bed as Jaebum continue packing. Jackson didn't say anything, he just keep quiet while watching his mother and lover cleaning up the room with the help of his friend, Jinyoung and then they wait for his father to finish the papers to check him out.

It wasn't until Jinyoung asked something that reminded him of his early days in the hospital, "I found a bedding pad in the drawer, is that ours or the hospital's?" and the comfortable silence in the room is broken.

Jackson closed his eyes as he noticed the way Jaebum answering to Jinyoung, soft voice and hesitant as if he didn't want to hurt Jackson's feeling. It did anyway, but rather than feeling hurt, he's feeling shameful at the consideration of his lover. It was his bedding pad so he didn't wet his bed. A hot swirls of dread felt in his chest as Jackson remember the way he can't control his own bladder.

The doctor said it was due to the temporary catheter and the swells in his spinal. He can't feel anything, not even knowing when he need to pee and it was something so simple, so natural and it had hit him hard when he woken up to a wet bed. As he watched Jaebum transferring him to a chair and his mother calling in the nurse, Jackson remembers how useless, pitiful and shameful he felt at that moment. And when his father came to visit along with a pack of bedding pad in his tow, he's further ashamed and didn't even have it in him to refuse when his father picked him up from the bed and his mother laid the pad on his bed. When his eyes met with Jaebum that day, he always looked away, he didn't want to be seen, didn't want to be pitied, didn't want to be told that he still worth it. What's left when he can't take care of such a simple thing by himself? He can't believe whatever soothing words which came out from his parents' and lover's mouth, it's just utter bullshit for him at that moment.

He remembers every each time Jaebum was the one to remind him to pee before it gets too much and he would wet the bed. If he was sleeping, Jaebum would woke him up in a precise time as if he had an alarm for Jackson's urination schedule. It was the worst, shameful for feeling like a hopeless baby in the hands of other people, he had reduced to it so much he often wondered, 'how can he be worth it if he's just a burden through and through?'

Many times people's kindness and consideration sting more than soothing, a harsh reminder of his incapability. It was just a night like any other, then the car had hit him and crushed not just his bones but also his life. There's a lot of 'what if' in Jackson's mind, what if he didn't go out that night? What if he listened to his father to stay at home because the road was slippery from the rain? What if he hadn't feel lonely and make a run to a nearby convenient store just because Jaebum was busy at his work? What if... What if... And it will eventually came to a persistent thought, 'why didn't he just die that night instead of living like this?'

He never say the words, because he knew they will be angry at him to even think about it. He can already see the way their face contorted in sadness and disappointment in his mind. He's already a burden, he didn't need to burden them more with his dreading thoughts.

Now, Jackson's sensory on the lower half of his body is better than on those days. He can now sense when he need to pee and have enough voluntary muscle strength to hold it in. Some part of his thigh can still feel pressure, but no longer can light touches. He lost a good part of temperature sensory on his legs and sometimes, if he tries hard enough his toe can twitch a bit.

Still it's not comforting because that's the best he can do and now, for the rest of his life he'll be chained to a wheelchair.

He even noticed the way Jinyoung, his friend who always reminds him how special, pretty and smart he is to help him go through his complexities, for once have nothing to say and just smiles encouraging to him. It makes Jackson want to crawl out of his skin, to hide from the world, to be claimed by the dark. But he figures it will only make others be more careful around him, to keep him in their sight and that's the last thing he want now. So he laughs and jokes just so he can go back to his shell of self-pity.

"Jackson, are you sure you don't want to come back home with us?" his mother asked just right after Jaebum went to get the car to the hospital lobby.

"Yes, I'm sure. You've wasted too much time taking care of me these past weeks, you need to go back to your life, so do I."

"But Jaebum is working, you'll be alone at home when he's gone, but if you stay with us, at least your mom will always be at home with you," his father tried to reason and at that moment Jackson didn't want the attention, he wants to be left alone, he need space to think. Jackson took a glance to where Jinyoung is standing a bit far awkwardly, too careful, too considerate, too much of everything.

So he shakes his head with a smile, "it's okay, I'll be fine, really. Jaebum and I have trained about adls, a nurse will still do house calls to help me get better at it. Beside, it's best if I try to go back and get used to my previous life and be independent."

He can see the concern and worry swimming in his parents' eyes, so he smiled and squeezed their hands for a bit before wheeling away to the lobby. When the car goes around, he stopped right beside the back seat door, his father reflexively opening the passenger door for him and Jinyoung help him transfer inside while Jaebum wait until he's safely seated then he goes to fold the wheelchair and put it into the trunk.

"Don't forget to call us," his mother reminds him as Jaebum and Jinyoung get into the car and his father closing his door.

"I won't," he had said firmly. But will he?

The ride home is too quiet, too tense and too burdening even with the calm and casual talks coming from Jaebum and Jinyoung. Jackson's eyes wide open, unblinking, numb and the other two voices become a dull noise in the back of his head. Feeling the vibration of the car under him, shaking his shoulder makes him realize of how much he had lost and then fear grows like evil vines in his heart. It's not the car which caused the fear to take root, but his existence in the middle of these people.

Burden, shame and anger.

Twisting, his legs feels rotten.

\---

Mark and Youngjae, their other friends was already waiting inside when they came home, helping with dinner to celebrate Jackson's homecoming. Jackson found himself at ease in their arms, Mark was usually quite but Jackson can only see happiness in his eyes same with Youngjae, there wasn't any pity in it, they welcomed him like he just came back from a vacation and not from an almost dead trip.

Youngjae's loud laughs, Mark's rare but mean jokes to retaliate Jinyoung and the latter would reply back with sassier remarks, and soft laughs coming from his lover actually liberating Jackson's tense muscles. For the first time he felt like he's back to those times, when he can still run, still not plagued with nightmares and he could laugh from his heart. His friends always have that effect on him, making him at ease even though all they do is dissing each other and being crazy, but that's home for him and he feels glad he hadn't lost it.

Jackson noticed the way Jaebum occasionally smiled fondly at him, as if he's proud of him, happy to see Jackson is laughing widely again and not just faking it. At those times Jackson actually feeling sorry to his lover, guilty for making him worry, so he would squeeze Jaebum's thigh under the table to reciprocate the care he felt, a silent thanks with soft smiles.

"That was a great dinner," Jinyoung said as the three friends getting ready to go home.

Jackson rolled his eyes, "it's mostly takeouts, makes me wonder did you two even cook at all." Giving a judging look to Youngjae and Mark.

"Hey~ Did you not ate my omelette? I made those with care you know," Youngjae protests.

"Who make omelette for dinner?? And how long does it take to cook omelette? You did better not wasting the eggs in my home for that one barely passable to be considered edible food," Jackson shrieks when Youngjae launched at him and fake choking him.

"You ate it! Give it back if you think it's not good!"

"What? You want me to puke on you?" Jackson madly giggling and screamed a bit when Youngjae pushed his wheelchair to roll back. Jackson didn't mind, he actually likes their banter and was laughing after he screamed and stopped his wheelchair. But Jaebum, the serious lover of his was seriously worried and a bit put off at the way Youngjae pushed his wheelchair even though he knew the younger was only joking.

"Hey, hey! Don't do that!" it wasn't said harshly, similar to a tone a mother would use to tell off her children, but still it had broke the playful mood in the room and shift into an awkward one. Mark was the one to say goodbye and the three of them went home hesitantly, awkwardly waving and glancing back before finally closing the door behind them.

A loud sigh shot out from Jackson, "you worry too much." Then he wheels away to the living room.

He knows Jaebum feeling a bit guilty for it, but still he keep quiet because he thinks his worry is only fair, so he follows Jackson without responding to the remark.

Jackson halted the wheelchair near the couch and put a brake on it, carefully trying to transfer himself to the couch by the strength of his arms. He had been trained for things like this by his physiotherapist, adls (activities of daily living) so he could be independent as he did before he lost his legs. But Jaebum being Jaebum, he reflexively tries to help Jackson. And although it's nice and all, it could be quite offending when Jackson is trying to do it alone, to know that he can do things alone without anyone's help.

"I can do it myself," he grunted causing Jaebum to flinch back and stand awkwardly watching his lover trying hard.

"I just want to help..."

"I know, but I want to do it alone," he sighed as he finally seated on the couch, shifting until he leans back comfortably. Jaebum still standing when Jackson turned on the TV, so he pats the couch beside him to motion for Jaebum to sit, he immediately did and snuggle to Jackson's side as if asking for forgiveness causing Jackson to chuckle. "Get behind me, I want to lay on your chest."

They both sighed deeply when they're finally comfortable on the couch, Jaebum cradling Jackson and stroking his arms while Jackson savoring their intimacy. It's been so long since they can be like this, the narrow hospital bed didn't really let them to do this, so it's appreciated by them to finally come home and able to be this close again. Jackson missed it so much, he didn't even realized how much he needed it until now. To feel Jaebum close, to feel that he's really here with him and will still be in the future. To feel the love, the care and Jackson relax in his skin after snuggling deeper into Jaebum's arms. He loves this, he needs this, then he thinks, maybe it's not so different after all, maybe he can stop being too stubborn and learn to accept it.

"Welcome home baby," Jaebum whispered to his hair, fingers tickling behind his ears and Jackson smiled feeling at ease.

"Glad to be home," he can feel the way Jaebum's lips turned into a smile as it kissed his head then his temple. The TV is on but no one is watching, instead they're basking in the moment and may have drifted to sleep after a while. Tired from all the packing and tension, blissful as they're finally home.

\---

"Go back to sleep," Jaebum said when he saw Jackson stirring awake while he's getting ready to work. Still buttoning his shirt, he walks closer to the bed to kiss Jackson's forehead with the intention to lul him back to sleep.

"What time is it?" Jackson grunted with squinting eyes, sleep still heavy in his head.

"It's still five in the morning, so go back to sleep."

"Five...? Why are you being so early?"

"Some newbie accidentally erased the file for this afternoon presentation, I have to help him," Jaebum answered softly as he's tying his tie.

"What... He need to do it himself, why you...?" he whined, grabbing Jaebum's pants to drag him back to the bed.

"Well, I have to be a good senior," he chuckled and sit at the edge of the bed, ruffling Jackson's dark hair as the man wrapping his arms around his waist. "He can't possibly do it himself anyway, it will affect my work too since he's directly put under me."

"Under you...? No one can get under you beside me..." Jackson heard a soft laugh and he could see the face on Jaebum's even without opening his eyes at his joke.

"Not in that sense," Jaebum patting Jackson's back as he's detaching himself from Jackson's embrace, "come on, I need to get going."

Jaebum puts on his belt then kiss Jackson again to be on his way, "be a good boy at home, okay?"

"I'll be a really good boy, what can I do with these legs after all?" he snickers and it was just a light hearted joke, Jackson didn't even implying anything but Jaebum took it in the wrong way.

"Jackson..." Jaebum said with concern heavy in his voice and Jackson hates it. He hates how Jaebum being too careful with him, yes he knows that he's broken, but he's not some fragile glass which will break even further at the slightest touch.

"Just go, I'm just joking... Go," he literally had to push Jaebum away before his lover willing to leave him alone.

With a click sound of the door, Jackson is alone. Alone in his room, alone with his own thoughts.

\---

The physiotherapist came at ten in the morning. Jackson had woken up and washed his face with some difficulty since the sink is too high from where he's sitting in the wheelchair, splashing water everywhere but he managed by himself. He had intended to change out from his pajama, but then even though he can get out of the pants, he still can't put on another by himself. He's barely presentable for a guest, but he guessed the physiotherapist wouldn't mind.

The physiotherapist is a middle old man, have a warm smile and calming presence, his name is Lee Sungmin. He didn't talk much but always a good listener and have a sharp perception, makes it easier for Jackson to trust him and let the man tells him what to do and what's best. It was also Lee Sungmin who made Jackson realize how different he was feeling now that he's home than when he was still in the hospital.

Before, every time he saw Sungmin, Jackson can only felt dread, reminded of his disability, his scar and pain, the dark nightmare. But now that he's within his own life, his home, his comfort, Jackson see a glimpse of future at the presence of Sungmin. The physiotherapist wasn't there to tell how broken he is, but to help him to gain back his life, he understand that now. It such a simple thing yet it changes a lot.

Sungmin smiled, using a casual speech to ease into their session, bringing more comfort for the both of them, "so what would you like to do today?"

"I don't know?" Jackson shrugged but he's relaxed, not tense like he had been in the previous sessions.

"Let's get you more accustomed to maneuvering in wheelchair, shall we? We can also learn how to dress and take a bath by yourself. After that I'll teach you how to massage and maintain your legs, is that okay?"

"Sure, Sungmin-shi," he said and a bit guilty at the spark in the man's face as he called his name for the first time. Jackson had been quite a jerk it seems, so he smiled apologetically again.

"You can call me hyung," the man grinned happily, it's always nice when he's able to connect with his patients, to be more than the provider and the provided, but closer like a friend.

Jackson too feel the connection from the warm emphaty in the man's eyes and his calming presence, he wonders how did he never realized it. "okay hyung."

The day goes on productively, they managed to cover everything they planned to do and Jackson had learnt how to dress himself although still takes a lot of time at it. For the bathing part it's still a bit risky since the chair Jaebum had bought was actually not a good one and tend to slip, so Sungmin give him a tip which kind of chair would be the best for bathing. Since there's no chair, Jackson only managed to learn it in theory, it doesn't sound too hard but he bet it will.

Jaebum came home when Sungmin already went home, he was surprised to see Jackson maneuvering smoothly in the apartment to greet him.

"Hello! Welcome home!" Jackson spinning his wheelchair as if he's twirling happily, a big grin painted on his face, a sight Jaebum had come to miss so much.

"Wow babe, you're awesome, you learn so fast," he leaned down to kiss Jackson's lips, stroking his head proudly and fondly.

"Look, look, look! I can slip between the sofas without bumping it!" he demonstrated and turned to face Jaebum cheerfully like a child.

"You didn't bump it, but the back of the tire still grazes the sofa," Jaebum snickers seeing the blooming pout on Jackson. Yes he loves this, this Jackson who isn't laced with misery and darkness, the Jackson he always knew, the one who always able to see the goodness of everything. He hopes this Jackson will stay and no longer will be plagued by nightmares. 

There's always a middle ground between them, where they knew when to back down, to step up or when they need a space to think before resolving it. Sometimes Jaebum fall and it would be Jackson to pull him up and vice versa, sometimes Jackson being too stubborn and Jaebum would step up to pull him down and ground him, sometimes they're too hardheaded and keep headbutting each other until the problem escalating like a wildfire, then one of them would have to realize it and be the first to hold back before trying to talk about it again with much calmer head, mostly it was Jaebum who always back down first because Jackson is too stubborn and fierce when he's angry.

So it's hard for Jaebum when Jackson fall like what happened now, when he's drowning in his own sorrow, regrets and anger. If Jaebum try to step it up and try to force Jackson's armor down, it will only backfire and causes his lover to isolate himself more. But if he tries to give him space, being careful around him, it also irks the hell out of Jackson. It's hard and Jaebum is walking on a thin ice which can crack and let him fall anytime it will. So he stays on his own side, try not too be overbearing, but also not too distant, coaxing Jackson slowly with their routines until he's relax enough to put down his armor like he once did already.

"Have you had dinner babe?" Jaebum asked while pulling off his tie and Jackson help by unbuttoning from the bottom of his shirt.

"Not yet, I was waiting for you and... There isn't any food."

"What? Seriously?" his eyes widened in shock and worry, "what about breakfast and lunch then? You haven't eat at all?"

"There's still some leftover from last night, I ate that for lunch with Sungmin hyung," Jackson can't reach the upper buttons of Jaebum's shirt anymore so he just patted his lover's stomach. "There are some ingredients in the refrigerator, but I can't have the guest to cook, right?"

"Oh my god, I'm so sorry, I forgot to leave some meal," it's understandable because usually anyone who's home first will be the one to cook the meals and Jaebum's brain had thought Jackson being home means he can cook for himself, it total slipped his mind that he can't do so now. 

"Well, I haven't really try but... The stove is too high for me and I wouldn't be able to see if the food is cooking okay or not," he shrugged.

"How did you heated up the food then?" Jaebum frowning, bemused.

"You forget there's a thing called microwave?" an eyebrow lifted on Jackson's face as if he's being challenged, hands on his waist.

"Oooh, that's right," he chuckled and it makes the air even easier that caused Jackson to chuckle along instead of being offended. His mood is good enough to be able to laugh easily, he had been ever since he's home. "So, for dinner... Let's just have takeouts."

Jackson rolled his eyes, "takeouts again?"

"Don't tell me you don't miss those junk foods after all the hospital foods?" Jaebum wiggling his eyebrows, gaining a slap on his butt.

"You were supposed to control my diet, and here you are actually ruining it."

"Hey, it's not like I'm planning on feeding you with junk foods only! Just this time, tomorrow you can count on me to make a decent meal, I'm just too lazy to cook tonight. Okay, babe? Please?" he claps his hands pleadingly, using awkward aegyo to melts Jackson.

Jackson would argue he didn't give in because of Jaebum's aegyo, but because he's craving for more junk foods, definitely not because of Jaebum's aegyo. Jackson ordered sushi and jajangmyeon, Jaebum protesting how the food didn't match at all but still relented when Jackson glared at him.

Then after a nice meal, they took a bath together with Jaebum helping Jackson and the latter allows himself to be spoiled a bit. Jaebum took extra care at washing his neck and legs, massaging to relax the muscles, trying his best to comfort Jackson. His lover seems a bit comforted every time he put more pressure to his thighs and he could feel the sensation. Then Jaebum rise them both before soaking into a hot water, pleased sighs rolling out their mouths at how good it feels, cuddling contentedly with closed eyes.

That night they both sleep like a baby, dreamless and peaceful in each other arms under a warm and thick blanket.

\---

Jaebum life goes back to the usual rhythm, out in the morning and home when it's dark, no more detour to the hospital instead trying his best to be able to come home earlier so Jackson won't be home alone for too long. Jackson stays at home, recuperating and practicing with Sungmin or himself to gain back independence, all the while avoiding his fencing coach and friends as politely as he can because it's still hurts.

It hurts especially when he noticed he's having difficulty at doing something which once was so simple, like cooking or even washing his own hands. His sitting height is too short to be able to reach things, even when his hands can, it would be hard to see the upper part. Then it's also hard for him to take something on the floor, being it too low and he can't bend his back so much to reach it. He didn't know if it's because the injury or the surgery scar, but when he bend too much it caused a strained, sharp pain shooting from his tail bone up to his spine. He can handle the pain, it's the fear which makes him avoid bending his back too much, he didn't want to risk anything. Jackson put it on the list which he need to tell the doctor for the upcoming hospital visit.

He learnt to sweep the floor, to vacuum and cleaning generally because Sungmin had said it's mostly harder to maintain sanitary than anything else, so he need to learn those first. After Jaebum finally found the right chair especially used for washing, Jackson learn how to do it himself, wrapped in towel under Sungmin's guide and supervision. It's not easy, everything is not when he's doing something he isn't used to, moreover when he had done those things in an easier way, it's especially hard mentally and physically. But he keeps trying because that's what he can do and be best at, persistence.

About cooking and things which are too high from his reach, Sungmin had suggested to put some sort of leverage to help him, maybe an additional platform or something. Sungmin also gave him another suggestion that they could move into a more accessible house or apartment designed for the disabled, but then he said truthfully that it's going to cost a lot.

Jackson can't imagine how would they be able to move into another home, the current home they have is too special, too memorable being it the one they had finally bought after a few years of saving money. Aside from that they don't have that much money, the hospital cost is still running and needed for the future, then the bills, credit cards and all it's simply too much to even consider moving out. Jackson still have income from insurance, but it's not much and not going to last when he decide to finally quit his fencing, his job, his dream. He can't possibly add any more burden on Jaebum, no, no way. Even if somehow Jaebum wouldn't mind, he won't do that to his lover.

So Sungmin, the ever patient and understanding physiotherapist he is, giving advices about adding certain items and ways to make it comfortable and accessible even without moving out. Jackson can do that, maybe after he plan it carefully with Jaebum, it will take time but it's okay, he's moving forward.

Their money is quite tight and so Jaebum has taken more workloads to get a bonus, but he's careful not to stay in the office too long, bringing his work home with him. Jackson found himself feeling guilty every time Jaebum came home with a tired smile and start cooking right away after changing his clothes, his eyes evidently heavy and shoulder slumping in exhaustion. The dinner become more quiet day after day with Jaebum's mind too tired to even keep up with what Jackson is saying or to come up with a little talk. He managed to smile at times to reassure Jackson, but that's it.

Jaebum often stay awake late at night, typing and keep typing on his laptop, glasses perched on his pointy nose with blinking and sleepy eyes, sometimes drink two mugs of coffee instead of one. Jackson would stay in the living room trying to do something, not wanting to sleep when his lover working that hard for them, he didn't want to feel more useless than he is right now. Jackson feels pained when Jaebum would occasionally asked him to go to sleep and don't wait for him, because Jaebum shouldn't be worrying about others when he's that tired. Instead of feeling loved and treasured, Jackson only feels guiltier and sometimes he would cry himself to sleep because no matter how optimistic he tries to be, reality is harsh and always trying to push you back down to the ground.

The ache in his heart grows even more every night Jaebum would cuddle him and placed a sweet kiss on his skin saying, "I love you."

Jackson's mind is running and there will be a point where he'll eventually fall stumbling down.

The next day Jackson found himself sprawled on the floor, eyes gazing blankly to the ceiling not bothering to move, there's nothing to see but his mind showing him a lot of images, scenarios, doubts, fear and a lot more negative thoughts. His legs twisted in an awkward position but he can't feel anything anyway, so why bother? He had thought as tiny, dangerous idea surfacing in his head. Laying hopelessly on the floor like that subconsciously put him into a feeling akin to surrender, giving up and be done with all this. But what is _'this'_? Jackson have nothing anymore, he's hollow, he's just a shell, a broken person.

He was trying to cook something, to lift up a bit of burden off Jaebum's shoulder, but there was still no leverage or platform to help him to do so. So somehow amidst his struggle to lift up his wheelchair with something he had slipped, wheelchair rolling away and he fell with a loud thud dangerously. At first pain blinding his senses, but then he's growing numb at his own frustration and start crying and laughing at the same time, loathing himself as time pass by and he stopped laughing. Silent tears rolling down, down and down like his soul, drowning again in the darkness. Feeling so useless, hopeless, cold and alone, so so alone...

His body start hurting as he stay lying on the floor unmoving, but he didn't care, he didn't mind to die there right in that moment, he even wish for it, he just want all of it to be done with, death seems peaceful. But then, Jaebum's face came to his mind.

_How would he feel when he found me dead like this? Would he cry? Would he blame himself? Would he be sad and hurting himself because of it? He'll be lonely... This home is too big for himself. But he wouldn't be burdened again, he'll be freed from me._

Jackson close his eyes, resigned. But the ache came again with a stronger image of Jaebum in his mind.

_He would be hurt, he would be sad and blamed himself._

Jackson didn't want to hurt Jaebum, he never want to make him cry. But this time, at least for now all he wants is to close his eyes and let himself drowns more and more.

It was hours later when Jaebum come home to a cold, unconscious Jackson sprawled on the floor and only then did Jaebum realize Jackson is still drowning despite all the laughter and smiles.


	3. To Feel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jackson wants to feel again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is massively words vomit so I'm sorry. And I'm sorry for being too slow at updating it. Thank you for staying and reading it :)

"I don't understand, he was fine and getting better," Jaebum's hair all tousled and still his fingers racking it, stressed and extremely worried.

"Sometimes it happens when everything seems fine, and badly even," the physiotherapist said with concern in his eyes but directed to Jaebum instead of Jackson's sleeping form in hospital bed attached to a liquid drip. He had seen enough to know what can happen to his patients due to their emotional turmoil and the last thing he hoped is for the family to fret. There was no need for him to be there right now, but he wanted to accompany whoever it was through this moment, Jaebum it was.

Jaebum playing with his fingers, eyes stays on Jackson, afraid to look away even for a second. He was careless and wasn't watchful enough now he must pay for the consequences. His heart almost stopped when he found Jackson unconscious on the kitchen floor and even more so when the doctor said he was dehydrated and experiencing hypoxia. Any longer and it could cause damage to Jackson's organs, Jaebum shivered, refusing to think about it.

"It's not your fault, you know that, right?" Sungmin said and carefully patting Jaebum's back, not too close and not too distant, just there like a buffer.

"It is my fault. I had thought he was fine, I thought he was finally rising and no longer... I've done the same mistake twice, I'm useless," he rubs his face with his palms, damp due to the anxious sweat or the brimming tears, he didn't know.

"Maybe you're right, he was rising, but the thing is those emotions just came abruptly and sometimes no stopping them no matter what. It is not your fault, don't blame yourself and instead be more careful in the future, you'll only wear yourself down if you put blame on yourself, so don't. You both need each other and now, you have to be the stronger and more rational one. Don't lose sight."

Jaebum turned to look at the physiotherapist, finding intensity in his eyes but also a calming gaze, a strong emphaty that's seems to wrap Jaebum in understanding and warm, welcoming support. His body relaxes at it, realizing he's not alone and there will be someone to tell him and help him mend it if he make mistake. It's a harsh path of uncertainty, dark and full of holes where they could fall without warning, it's understandable that Jaebum is afraid, so the silent support are greatly welcomed.

Jaebum was about to say something to Sungmin, maybe a thank you or just a vague words of it, before Jackson stirring in bed, eyes blinking slowly. In an instant Jaebum is already standing beside the bed, carefully taking Jackson's hand in his, heart palpitating in a mix of relief, happiness, fear and somewhat a closure to his current anxiety. He holds Jackson's hand close to his face, his favorite place when Jackson caresses his cheek because he can always imagine the picture of love in his lover eyes whenever he did that.

There was hollowness in Jackson's eyes at first, blinking blankly before a hint of confusion blooming rapidly and shift into sadness and regret. "Jaebum..." he whispered before a cry left his lips and eyes, Jaebum mirrored the emotions, grabbing the hand tighter and lean down to press his face to Jackson's face, crying silently together as Jackson's other hand come up to embrace Jaebum desperately tight despite being restricted by the tube.

"I'm sorry... I'm sorry," Jackson cries softly full of regret and guilt. The two emotions have become his persistent friend lately.

"I know, I'm sorry too," he kisses Jackson's face, his eyelids, his cheeks, his forehead and he swallowed a cry before tucking his face to Jackson's neck. "Please don't do that again, don't let me go through that again love, I can't-"

"I'm sorry..." Jackson keeps repeating, pulling Jaebum closer and closer as if he's his lifeline.

"I love you," Jaebum can only say amidst his tears.

It echoes, "I love you."

\---

Jackson fell silent. The first time he woke up he seems to poured out his emotions and cried until he fell asleep again, Jaebum was relieved and he stay seated at the chair next to the bed, stroking his lover's head as his eyes lingers on the peacefully sleeping face. Deep down Jaebum is still worried about a lot of things, but what more prominent was the fact he still hasn't call anyone else about Jackson's condition, not even their parents and he's confused whether to tell them or not.

The right thing to do is to call them, but if he tell them he knows they will be worried and immediately trying to come no matter what he say for them not to and Jaebum didn't know if Jackson want to be seen right now when he's feeling down like that. If he didn't tell them, they won't be worried and Jackson will have his own space, he will not be pressured into a corner by their worries and consideration, but is it the right thing to do? Jaebum was torn, but he decided to tell only their close friends and try to reason with them so they don't come to visit.

They promised to visit when Jackson get discharged, they will try not to come when he's still stressed and sensitive and Jaebum relieved at such understanding and support. Their friends feels like family, like brothers and so Jaebum find it easier to confide in them. Although right now Jackson seems to close his heart to whoever it is, even Jaebum. Most especially to Jaebum.

Jackson is not allowed to go home as the doctor is still monitoring him, probably tomorrow or two days later then he's good to go home. Jackson is quiet, he didn't even say a word and there's a blank expression on his face as if he's not seeing anything and instead lost in his own thoughts. Jaebum tries to communicate with him, keeping skin contact just to let him know that he's there with him, that he's staying and won't go anywhere. But the silence persist and Jaebum gradually disheartened, it's such a scary sight to see Jackson so quiet with blank open eyes staring straight into nothing.

"Are you feeling pain, hmm?" Jaebum caressing Jackson's arm gently, coaxing at least one word out of Jackson, yet the younger didn't even react to him in a slightest twitch of an eye. "Jackson? Why won't you talk to me?"

Jaebum had been avoiding to ask the question directly, not wanting to push Jackson but the silence was getting to him and he can't help it slipped out from his mouth, he can't stand seeing Jackson unresponsive like that anymore. It's breaking his heart. But Jackson still keep quiet as if he didn't hear a thing and it terrifies Jaebum that maybe something is affecting his brain, that maybe something broke him to this state.

The doctor had said that nothing seems out of the ordinary except for Jackson's spinal which swollen a bit being it still sensitive and was twisted in a weird angle for quite a long time. Which means Jackson's silence have nothing to do with his body, it's his choice, his person whom doesn't want to communicate. But why? Is he angry at Jaebum? If so why he decided to be quiet about it? Why not say it all and talk to Jaebum?

"Are you angry at me?" Jaebum asked and got a bit elated when Jackson responded to it, turning his face to look into Jaebum's eyes. There was a glint of sadness in his dark orbs, Jaebum quickly catch him, circling his arms around Jackson's waist and bending his upper body so his head laid on Jackson's lap, part comforting and another part was he didn't want to see the sorrow in his lover's eyes. "I'm sorry..."

Soft hands caressing his hair, brushing back his dark locks and a chaste kiss on the back of Jaebum's head. It felt so gentle, so calming but also caused a tightness in Jaebum's heart, he didn't quite understand what but the gesture felt so, so sad? Like a farewell, like goodbye and Jaebum didn't like it one bit. He looked up, feeling his chest tightened at the look on his lover's face, a small sad smile and much more sorrowful eyes staring back at him.

Jackson took Jaebum's hand, intertwining their fingers and their rings clicking as it met together. It was the rings which Jackson bought at their second anniversary, rings which contains a lot of memories, love and promises. Jaebum had always thought it would be him who'll take the first step in their relationship, but turned out it was Jackson who had the guts to solidified it with the rings he bought weeks prior to the anniversary. It was sweet, a bit comical and just so them, their own elements.

Jaebum can still remember it clearly the way Jackson's face contorted in anxiety and nervousness, his hands was rather wet when it grazed over the back of Jaebum's hand. His eyes was sparkling with expectation but also a bit of fear, an unsure smile playing on his lips as it reciprocating Jaebum's confused smile. It was actually quite bad of Jaebum to have forgotten about their two years anniversary, so he really didn't have any clue as to why Jackson was behaving like the way he did that day. Jaebum had laughed at Jackson's face and joked about his constipated face, but Jackson was far too gone to make it all work, the box of rings in his pocket was too heavy for him to really pay attention to Jaebum's light jokes. In the end it was Jaebum who had a weird, funny face when Jackson presented the rings and what promises it carries. They laughed about each other's face that day and shared more than just love, a commitment and promise of future.

It wasn't marriage rings, but it's closer to that and both of them hold it preciously. They hold each other closer, opened themselves more and compromise more to make it last. They shares equal standing, give and take, and understanding with working communication. Yet recently, Jackson feels like he's only taking, that he have nothing to give and the communication fell apart because he got thrown into a situation he never thought he would have to deal with. And it let him sink into more insecurities than he already had even before he got into the accident.

He loves Jaebum so much, so much it hurts. He wanted to hold on, to stay and figure it out. But he keeps falling and failing, hurting Jaebum more and more it inflicted back to himself. And he can't, for the love he has for Jaebum, to stay and let the pain grows. He misses Jaebum's silly laughs, his dumb expressions whenever Jackson bullied him, his radiating smile, the love in his eyes, the way he openly told Jackson what's in his mind and the way he handled him in the way Jackson like it, not like he's a crumbling and delicate China doll. He can't.

It took a lot of strength for Jackson to fingers the ring on Jaebum's finger, trying to pull it off but was stopped when Jaebum fisted his hand, clearly not wanting the ring to leave his skin.

"What are you doing?"

Jackson tries again and Jaebum resisted, pulling his hand off of Jackson's grip then holding it close to his heart, confusion apparent on his face.

"Please... Please Jaebum..." Jackson whispered tiredly, head hanging low and tears brimming in his eyes.

But Jaebum understand even without words, his heart boiling in rejection and anger, "no." His tone was firm and leave no room for objection, but Jackson is stubborn, too blind in his own emotions.

"Why would you stay, what else do you want from me? I can't give you anything, there's nothing left."

"Shut up," Jaebum cuts sharply, and repeat it again when Jackson is about to speak, "I said shut up. You don't understand."

Jackson closed his mouth this time, but his eyes is visibly stubborn and skeptical. Jaebum knows it, this isn't the first time they speak through eyes, "this isn't about what I want, I need you Jackson."

"You need the past me."

"No, I need you, just you," Jaebum is unrelenting, letting his desperation to be seen and be felt to Jackson. That he didn't want anything else, all he wants is Jackson, no matter how or what. "You're so much more than your legs, Jackson. You're so much more than what you think you are. And I know you, I've seen all of you and I know, it's you. I only want and need you, no matter how or what."

Jackson throw his head back, blinking his tears and took a shaky breath, "I can't give you anything..."

"Yes you can, you can Jackson," Jaebum placed his hand on Jackson's nape, the other hand caressing his cheek and making Jackson face him. "Baby, you still gives me a lot of things and it could be anything. It doesn't have to be materials or physical, it can be anything. Stop belittling yourself babe, you're so much more, please... Please trust me."

Tears cascading down Jackson's cheeks silently, his lips closed tightly try to swallow down his cries, eyes and nose red and wet, but he looks so beautiful, so pretty to Jaebum's eyes and nothing can change his mind. Jackson took another trembling breath, "all I did recently is making you worry, burdening you and me being a mess like right now. And I know, as much as I don't want it, this isn't going to be the last, it'll happen again in the future. Why would you stay with me being like this?"

"Because I love you," Jaebum answered without missing a beat, kissing Jackson's tears and the pain inside their heart, "I love you and I can't stay away, because I need you. Without you life will be so empty and all I want is to give up. Even if you become blind, become old, grey and saggy," Jaebum laughed softly as a tears fell from his eyes, "The one I want to be beside me and the one I love would always be you. Only you, Jackson."

And again Jackson let his tears falls, pouring out his heart together with Jaebum, his love. Because he wants to stay, but fear doesn't make sense and all he wants to do is to run away despite it. He understand what Jaebum is trying to say, but he still thinks of him as a burden, a weight without worth on Jaebum's shoulder and he can't bring himself to think otherwise. He'll always need help, help and another help before he can do anything, how can he believes he's not a burden?

But he stays. Because he loves Jaebum and he wants to come home.

\----

 

Jackson still seldom talking after he come back home and for once it's Jaebum who do all the talking. Mundane talks even soft, nonsense gibberish Jaebum did, while cooking or cleaning even when they're watching TV. Jaebum would time to time took a glance to Jackson, most of the time Jackson didn't look back at him, but the small appreciative smile was enough and Jaebum find himself smiling too.

Sungmin come three times a week and Jackson did well in each session, wordlessly but determined. After each session finished it was time for Jaebum to talk with Sungmin, about support, what need more attention, how did Jackson progressing and how to make their home more disabled friendly. Jaebum is very thankful there is Sungmin to help and he's always a nice buffer between him and Jackson.

"What are you thinking?"

Jaebum ripped off from his thoughts and turned his head to see Jackson staring at him, unreadable big eyes which used to hold so much life, passion and lights, now often seems dark and overcasted. Even so Jaebum never feel less in love, because this is Jackson and it's unexplainable but he love the man still. And everytime he sees the darkness in Jackson's eyes he can't help the surge of sorrow and love within his own heart.

How weird it is, to feel the peak of his love when they're on a rocky path of life. Is it pity? Is that why Jaebum feel the love stronger than ever? Or is it the moments when he feels he's about to lose Jackson which bring forth such love?

"You," Jaebum said, fingers combing Jackson's dark hair and his heart flutters a bit when his lover closes his eyes as if he's relaxed, something of a luxury for Jackson these days.

"What is it?" Jackson asked as he laid his head on Jaebum's chest, the colors of lights coming from the TV fell on Jackson's skin, his lashes and lips. Beautiful, so beautiful and once again a twirl of love felt in Jaebum's chest.

"I love you," Jaebum blurted out because it's been pounding the walls of his heart begging to be released, "but no words can explain what I feel for you, it's maddening."

Jackson fell silent, eyes remain closed and Jaebum would have thought he fell asleep if it's not for the shift in his breathing. Years of knowing Jackson it feels like he's running through Jaebum's veins, the pump of his blood and the rhythm of his breathing, he never realized it but it's always there and he's used to it.

"You don't have to," Jackson said softly, voice layered in hurt as if it's his fault for making Jaebum say what he said. "I'll be fine, I can do many things alone now. I can cook, I can go to toilet and bath alone, I can change my clothes alone and many else. You don't have to worry," he pauses, hesitant and softly took a deep breath, "I won't do it again."

It's not right. All Jaebum wanted was for his love to be voiced, he didn't say that for Jackson to feel guilty about what he done. He didn't say that because the underlying, 'I love so don't you do what you did a couple of weeks ago, don't try to leave me again'.

Yes, Jaebum didn't want Jackson to repeat that, but at this time that wasn't his intention. All he wants was to soak Jackson in his love deep to his bones, to wrap him in protection and warmth that he will always give, the protection, the promise that, 'I'm not going anywhere, I'll be just right here'.

But it seem no matter how he worded it, Jackson would just see himself as the fault. 'Jaebum do this because I'm... Jaebum didn't do this because I'm...' are always the way he thinks now and Jaebum hates it.

How to change it? How to explain it? Because Jaebum had already tried it and he's not Jackson if he's not stubborn. And if Jaebum persistent, Jackson would closes the door to his heart. Jaebum used to have the key to Jackson's heart, but now he lost it, Jackson took it away and it's very disheartening.

"Don't think... Stop thinking," Jackson whispered, nuzzling to Jaebum's neck but the words seem to be for himself instead for Jaebum. "I'm sorry..."

Jaebum's heart ached realizing Jackson understand his silence. 'He knew I hates it when he's thinking that way, he just can't help it'. He catches Jackson with his arms, embracing of that he is, leaving soft, gentle kisses on Jackson's face and head. Love, love and love. 'I hope you understand, I hope you feel it, I hope we can chase away the darkness and all you will ever feel are love and happiness'.

Jackson's hand comes up to cup Jaebum's cheek, motioning for a kiss and Jaebum gladly give it. Slow and chaste at first but then Jackson tries to part Jaebum's lips with his warm tongue and allowed entry. He licks his way in, greedy and distracting, Jaebum feel himself losing it. He pulls away with a harsh breathing, his head spinning and he tries to stop it.

"Don't stop, please Jaebum," Jackson breathed to his hot and moist lips. "Don't stop," he repeated in whisper.

If only Jaebum listen to his heart and not let it go further than a heavy make out, if only Jaebum didn't give in to his own desire and Jackson's desperation to lift his own worth. Maybe he could save Jackson from the heart break, the shame and guilt. And he knows, no amount of words he says would be able to prove the otherwise to Jackson.

Jackson was unable to have sex and Jaebum want him to know that it doesn't matter.

He won't believe it.

\--

The sounds is exceptionally loud and ringing within the closed, cold bathroom. It drip and drips again, breaking the still surface rhythmically as it creates tides and gently rocking Jackson's tan skin. His eyes wide open yet he sees nothing, not even the ceiling nor the cold tiled walls. It's loud and maddening but Jackson wasn't even aware of it, drip it goes without being reckoned.

So quiet, so empty and hollow but not the depths of his heart, as loud as the offending noise of the water droplets. Indescribable like a storm of colors mixed too much it creates a blackened painting. His fingers running on his skin, almost touching but not quite, a shiver as his fingertips caresses the smooth hairs. He felt it, undeniably physical. But when his fingers reach his legs, he didn't know.

He didn't feel anything, his fingers feels like it's touching something foreign, something not part his body and he wonders how different it could be just because you can't feel. If he closes his eyes and concentrate enough, he could feel a sliver of touch and he chase after it like a thirsty man in a desert. But he knows, deep down he knows it's only his mind playing trick on him, it's only a memory of his sensory. It's a phantom sense.

A sob racked his chest and he swallowed it, not willing to give in. He tries so hard to keep his cries inside that it feels like it burns his lungs and he coils his body into foetal position. No, no, ringing in his head like a prayer, a denial.

He wants to feel, more than anything he wants to feel. He can still remember the burn in his legs when he runs, satisfying. The pain when his toes knocked some corners. The dull pain when his legs muscles was tired. The gentle caress of Jaebum's palms on his thighs, his calf and ankles. The tickle on his thighs which brought him to laughter when Jaebum feeling especially bratty. He remembers it all and it's so painful, so depressing. Because he couldn't have it again, never.

He wants to feel more than anything.


	4. The peeking light

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For once he feels being understood because they've been there too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M SORRY! 
> 
> It's been so long since last I updated lmao. This fic is so hard to write because it took a lot of emotional pain from me :'))
> 
> And I was seeking for fluff because it helps my heart Ahahahaha. 
> 
> Forgive me for the errors, this is basically words vomit.

Jaebum feels alerted when suddenly Jackson being cheerful, all smile and his eyes glinting like a child that morning. It's too sudden, too abrupt and it's unnatural, overwhelmingly so. He wants to question, 'why are you so happy Jackson?'

But he's afraid to break whatever bubbles which keeping Jackson floating right now. So he keeps quiet although still keeping an eagle eye on him too, he can't afford another blunder. Jackson's emotions are very unstable, shaky like a little boat on raging waves. And Jaebum is afraid those evil, dark waves will try to choke Jackson again and again, slowly from within.

Jackson keep smiling though, spinning in his wheelchair while accompanying Jaebum cooking for breakfast and lunch. He tries to help, washing the vegetables and cutting it, making salad, grinning still to his lover. Jaebum can't help the smile on his lips to grow at the display despite the confusion and worry in his mind. And as Jaebum smiled, Jackson came to chuckle and laugh softly, looking genuinely happy and free of whatever darkness once looming his heart.

As they continue cooking, Jaebum realized that Jackson wanted to make him smile, he keep looking to Jaebum with wide eyes and even wider smile and honestly, Jaebum can't deny the urge to chuckle at his lover's bright and seemingly happy smiles. His heart swelling with warmth when Jackson look very satisfied and happier whenever he succeeded at making him laugh.

He missed this, this light, bubbly happiness between them, a warmth presence without any haunting fear. This is what they were, it was only few months ago but now it feels like it's been years since they last laughing with no reason. Surprisingly and fortunately, the good mood goes on for days later.

Jaebum is happy, but the worry in his heart makes him question even the smallest things. Like why Jackson took a long time in the bathroom and why his face grow paler despite the bright expression. Jaebum did ask if he was feeling sick or something, but Jackson said it was nothing and he's fine, he didn't feel any pain. Jaebum try to believe him, yet still with wary eyes.

The all capable Jinyoung came on day and help them making platforms from wood and fiber to make it easier for Jackson to do things, while Mark and Youngjae helped him installing those platforms to their house. Now after everything at places, Jackson will be able to be independent like he used to and things really brightened up. At least, they think so with the way Jackson keep smiling and grinning.

"Are you happy?" Jackson asked Jaebum suddenly when they're left alone by the three friends who's bickering somewhere in their home making sure everything installed firmly and safely for Jackson.

"Of course I am," Jaebum answered with a slight frown because why Jackson asked that? "With you here with me, of course I am happy."

Jackson run his warm fingers through Jaebum's slightly damp hair, brushing away some falling strands and a little chuckle left his lips, "wouldn't want you to be more bald for worrying about me..."

"It's the genetic dear, we can't help it," Jaebum kissed Jackson's fingers then stroking his lover's head just like Jackson did, "I was talking about my hair. If it's about me worrying about you, well, I've been doing that ever since I fell in love with you."

Jackson just smiles, eyes soft and staring to Jaebum's similar dark brown eyes, "have I ever tell you how much of a romantic you are?"

"You have, and you said that's one of the reasons why you love me," he smiled as Jackson giggles and kissed his lips, fleeting and chaste, then he tuck in his face under Jaebum's chin.

"You calms me when nothing did."

"Good, it's supposed to be that way," Jaebum said.

"That's why I have to know if you're happy with me."

"I never lie, Jackson, I'm happiest when I'm with you."

"Even though I make you worry all the time?" Jackson lean back to see Jaebum's face, making sure to notice the honesty.

"Don't you worry about me because you love me too? And you're happy with me, right?"

"Always."

"Then don't let go," Jaebum whispered, giving more meaning into the words he just said, "Never let me go because I won't, I need you."

Jaebum know that Jackson need this, the reassurance and likewise he too, need it, even more so after everything. So he searches Jackson's eyes, through the pain and love, he want to see the strength and the determination. They can get through this together.

Jackson only said, "I love you," before the three friends come back from the bathroom and teasing them for being too cheesy, but they all need that. To know that everything is alright again.

In a way, it does, but not without a price.

Because the next day Jaebum woken up to a pale Jackson. If he wasn't so observant he would have thought Jackson was just sleeping, but he is not, he was actually unconscious. At first Jaebum only noticed how pale he is then caresses his cheek only to feel it slightly cold to the touch. Why is Jackson that cold even when he's sleeping under a thick blanket?

The next thing he realized was, why the bed under his thighs feels damp? He pushed the blanket away to see the dark purple sheet look even darker around their lower bodies, especially Jackson's thighs. As he put his hand on it to inspect, there was indeed a feel of liquid drenching his lover's pants and the sheet. But what liquid? From where? How-

There is red. On his palm as he look at it. And his head spinning in shock, realizing the sudden sharp smell of iron filling his nose. Blood.

"Jackson! What the- Jackson!!" he screamed.

Minutes later the sound of siren splitting the peaceful atmosphere of morning air.

\--

"There are many cut on his thighs, he lost consciousness due to blood loss," the doctor said and Jaebum feel dread pouring his whole being.

"Why?" he asked no more than a whisper.

There is empathy in the doctor's eyes and he look sorry having to say it, "he may have depression... He might did that as an outlet to feel okay, I'm sorry."

Jackson cut himself to feel okay, that's not okay, it's heart breaking and Jaebum feel anger and sorrow mixing in his heart. He shouldn't do that when he's there for him. He said he calms him when nothing did, then why he harm himself to the point of almost killing him? Why didn't he talk to him? Why didn't he say anything? Why he suffers alone when he promised to talk to him about whatever he is feeling?

Jaebum know why, but still he feels so angry and wronged. Was he never enough?

Jackson's face was blank when Jaebum coming into the hospital room, then guilt filling his eyes when he saw Jaebum's eyes. He knows what he did was wrong, but he can't help it.

"It's not like that," Jackson begins, "I didn't- I didn't do it because I was-" he hiccuped, "because I can feel it, the pain, I can feel the pain, I can feel my legs when I did it. I can feel the pain when I can't- I just, I can't stop..."

"Tell me how to make it right," Jaebum pleads.

"Jaebum... I... I just want to feel again, and when I did that... I can feel the pain, don't you see? My legs can still feel it," he cries, burying his face in his palms.

"Not like that, Jackson, not like that..." Jaebum can't hold in his tears, "tell me how to make it right, but not like this..."

"I'm sorry... I'm sorry," he repeats in his cries, but he's not really sorry. Because if he's given the chance to, he might do it again. It's already becoming an unhealthy urge, obsession.

And now Jaebum isn't crying only due to the fact that Jackson is harming himself, but also because he can see the dead end of his optimism. Is this really what they are becoming? Toxic and broken?

\--

Jackson wasn't allowed to go home as the doctor deemed him unqualified to keep himself unharmed, even with the fact he isn't living alone and there's Jaebum who's qualified to keep him safe, they weren't convinced enough and requested for Jackson to start a therapy until they can see him psychologically better.

No one blame Jaebum, it was out of his control, he was fast enough to have noticed the bleeding but it was still not enough. They don't blame him, it's an accident, yet Jaebum wish they would blame him because he's  punishing himself by putting the fault on him for not noticing it sooner. He had seen the signs, when Jackson took too long in bath, how he grew paler each day. He should have seen it sooner.

Jackson starting to have insomnia, growing restless as the night getting late and couldn't keep his eyes closed as the morning comes. By day he's quiet, eyes hollow and drowning in his own world no matter who was in the room accompanying him. Jaebum took a few days off at first, but he noticed Jackson become more irritable as he stay in that room. Maybe due to guilt, maybe due to shame, maybe both, maybe he just want to be left alone.

Jaebum have no choice but to go back to work, because who will be paying for hospital fees if he isn't working? So it's either their parents or sometimes Sungmin accompanying Jackson at day as the physiotherapist also helping Jackson to maintain his therapy. But getting out of depression is no easy feat, they know this, so no one dare to push Jackson even when the man refused to meet a psychiatrist. It's the last straw for him to feel at the weakest.

The gentle physiotherapist though, this isn't his newbie years, he knew what he could do to help. So as always after he's done giving Jackson that day portion of physiotherapy, he suggest for the man to have a walk.

"How about a walk, Jackson? You must feel stifled coped up in this room."

"You know very well I can't walk, Sungmin," Jackson said flatly, hollow and emotionless.

"You know you can go wherever you want to, Jackson," he said gently, not too coddling and just right.

"What's the use of going around when I still can't leave the hospital? I'm stuck here, I'm not in the mood for a 'walk' around cold hallways and the hospital small garden."

"There are many things you can see even in the simplest things. Let's say, why not make it as if I tricked you and you have no choice but to take a walk with me? More sunshine on you can't be that bad," he smiled, eyes gentle.

Jackson sighed deeply, but relented, "fine..."

They take a walk around the hospital slowly as they have all the time to waste. Sungmin keep silent but the atmosphere wasn't tense, Jackson eventually feel better and glad for the older man's suggestion, more fresh air and sunlight is never bad. He hate to admit but the physiotherapist was right. After their strolling in the garden, Sungmin wheels them to a hallway, an area Jackson never been to.

Not long they saw a young man in wheelchair heading for somewhere before he took notice of them, "Sungmin-shi! Hello, it's been a while."

"Hello Yugyeom, I see you're visiting again?"

The young man smiled sheepishly, "Bambam said he have something to show me." Then he turned to look at Jackson, smiling politely, "hello, I'm Yugyeom, are you Sungmin-shi's patient?"

Jackson reluctantly smile back, "yes, I'm Jackson, nice to meet you."

"Nice to meet you too Jackson-shi!" the young man said with so much brightness.

"Yugyeom, I heard you've been getting better with your tennis? Are you aiming to be professional?" Sungmin asked which makes Jackson to put his full attention into the conversation.

"Ah that's too much, I'm not that good. But I've been put as a candidate for the regional meet," the guy scratching his nape shyly.

Sungmin wanted to say more but Jackson cut in with the eagerness he hadn't have for months, "you're an athlete?"

"Athlete? No, I don't think I'm quite an athlete, just a hobby and it's only a friendly meet, nothing official," he waved his hands with slightly red face, "but I like it."

"I see," Jackson said but no less interested, he wants to ask more but unsure if it's appropriate.

"Are you an athlete? You have a nice body like athlete."

Jackson lowers his eyes feeling a bit ashamed, "I was..."

There is silence before the guy smiled brightly again, "do you want to meet my friend, Bambam? He always like to meet new friends, beside being stuck in hospital is boring, right? More people is merrier!"

Jackson want to refuse, he's not ready to socialize or meeting a new person, but Sungmin beat him to it, "that's a good idea! You gonna like Bambam, Jackson. He's a brilliant and funny kid, you could use some company too."

The Yugyeom kid is grinning happily hearing what the physiotherapist had said, wheeling eagerly to lead Jackson. And since it's Sungmin who's pushing his wheelchair, he wasn't able to say anything, he don't want to be rude no matter how pissy his mood is.

Bambam is loud, even brighter than Yugyeom if that is even possible and his nimble fingers are so creative he filled his hospital room with many crafting, drawings and painting. He's rooming with another nine years old little girl named Jihee, a lot quieter than the two young men but no less cheerful. It was too much for Jackson to be surrounded by merry laughter, yet at the same time strangely it also makes him smile and easier to breathe. Halfway their talking, the physiotherapist went out and left Jackson to mingle, something about him needing the time to enjoy it alone with the kids.

"All these really your painting?" Jackson asked in awe, looking at one which he really like, a painting of a sunset in beautiful purple and orange colors.

"Of course! Some are Jihee's drawings, but mostly mine," Bambam said with glee and proudness as his fingers keep working on an origami he's been doing since they came into the room.

Jackson scan his eyes through the papers plastered on the wall, noticing which ones are Jihee's because it's obviously a kid's work, but it's still good and full of colors. "You painted a lot, this room feels like your personal room rather than a hospital room."

Bambam laughed, "it is my room, this is my home. No, our home, Jihee's and mine."

Jackson turned to the guy in confusion, "what do you mean?"

"I mean, I've been here since few years ago and will still be here for another years, so this is our home."

That still doesn't explain anything for Jackson and Yugyeom must have caught it because he's the one start explaining, "Bambam have muscular dystrophy, his muscles is too weak for him to even stand on his own legs, so he's bedridden. Same as Jihee, in Jihee's case it's her bones, osteogenesis imperfecta. Sometimes only coughing caused her bones to break and she can't move to much."

"I broke two bones this week!" she exclaimed, cheerful although it shouldn't be a good thing.

"She accidentally slept on her side so the bones in her arm broke, I was woken up to her screaming," Bambam sighed, "it just have to happened when her drugs wore off so she was in a lot of pain."

Jackson is baffled, how could they talked about it so easily like that, as if it's not a big problem? Even though he know nothing about whatever they're talking about, it doesn't sound like a simple matter at all, how could they still laugh?

"What are those? That, what you had...?"

"Mine is muscular dystrophy, a hereditary disease, my muscles are weak and grow weaker the older I am. Before this I can still lead my life at home, but then few years ago I lost the strength of my limbs and the pain got even worse so I got admitted here till now. For Jihee, her bones are weak, fragile like glass, imperfect bones forming," Bambam explained, finally finishing his origami of a complicated flower.

"Look, my arms and legs are slightly bend, they said it's because of the bad recovery after everytime I broke it," Jihee said as she's slowly reaching out her arms to show it and Jackson is scared she will break her arms again just by doing that.

It sounds so painful, so dreadful and unimaginable, they must be suffering a lot and knowing they're bedridden forever is breaking Jackson's heart. He was already so depressed by losing the strength of his legs, how terrible it must be for these kids?

"For me, my legs weakened due to an infection when I was younger," Yugyeom said, still smiling just like Bambam and Jihee, Jackson is stunned, speechless. They didn't ask, or at least they didn't say the question but their eyes which looking at Jackson shows that they're curious about his own story.

"I... I was in a accident and it injured my spinal so..." the ache in his heart as he said it still bring tears to his eyes, the trauma coiling horribly around his whole body.

"That must have been terrible," Bambam said and the three gives him a sad look, yet Jackson doesn't feel belittled nor pitied. Maybe because they share the same pain, Jackson feel somewhat a mutual understanding and somehow, a relief amidst his sorrow. For once he feels being understood because they've been there too, they even had it worse and Jackson feel bad for them. Shame and guilt stirring in his heart at the realization, he's still fortunate enough and have a whole future ahead for him.

They're younger than him but so strong, so inspiring and Jackson feel it growing within him. Later in the evening he wheeled himself back to his room, heart a bit lighter and strength make it's way to him. Jaebum was already inside the room when he opened the door, smiling to Jackson like always despite the poor treatment he had given him.

"Hi baby, were you taking a walk?" he leaned down to kiss the crown of Jackson's head, fingers gently brushing his hair.

"Yeah," he simply said and wheeled to the bed.

"Something good happening? You seems to be in a good mood," Jaebum asked as he's helping Jackson to transfer to the bed.

After a couple of weeks filled with darkness since he was brought to hospital from blood loss, Jackson finally smiled, genuine and heart lighter, "yeah."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things starting to look up now ^^


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Like bubbles floating up to the surface of dark cold water. But is it safe to fly to the sky? Or is it safer to stay within a dark cocoon?

"Where did you learn to do this?"

Bambam look up from folding the paper to Jackson, a soft smile painting his lips, "google and youtube of course."

"Ah, yeah," Jackson chuckled then start to fold his own paper, following Bambam's lead yet he can't seem to do it right. His tongue poking out subconsciously due to concentration, Bambam softly laughed causing Jackson to look up, "what?"

"Your tongue, it's cute that you did it subconsciously."

Jackson grunted as he pull in his tongue, "you did the same with your lips."

"Well I don't see my own face," Bambam shrugged with good humor, but then he winced a bit at the movement.

"You alright?" Jackson stopped folding the paper and focused on the way Bambam massaging his own shoulder.

"Yeah, usual things, it'll go away after the nurse give me the next dose," he smiled still palpating his left arm before he bend forward to fold the paper on the table again.

"You always in pain?" Jackson asked softly, afraid to touch a sensitive topic.

"If I'm not on meds, yeah. It's hurting all day, all night long," Bambam folding the paper meticulously, paying attention for the littlest details and tight accuracy, also concentrating so he won't jut out his lips from too much concentration. Or else Jackson will be on him. "After all this time you'd think I'll get used to it."

Jackson thumbing a line, smooth it out so the fold is crisp while most of his mind trying to understand what Bambam had said, "all this time? You've been in pain for long?"

"Yeah, why do you think I'm stuck here? If it's only about my weak muscles, my family can handle me with home treatment. But the pain... I can't handle it, and it's been with me for as long as I can remember. They gave me meds to take at home, but when it's starting to hurt real good, everything blurs you know? I got overdosed," there's a sadness in his eyes when he smiled to Jackson.

Jackson look down to his fingers, to the paper and the slightly off folded lines, an ache in his chest at the picture of everlasting pain. It's hard to imagine and Jackson couldn't help the sudden urge to say, "sometimes I'm in pain too."

Bambam look up to stare into Jackson's eyes for a while before he goes back to the paper, a cue for Jackson to continue.

"There are times when my spine is hurting, when it gets too cold, when I slept in the same position too long or sat down too long. It hurts like hell," he chuckled, "hating myself, hating everyone, hating fate which put me in this."

It's strange how the words flew out his mouth like it's nothing. His deep pain which not even Jaebum know, but Bambam isn't judging or pitying him, he never did. They share a kinship and that's why it's easier for Jackson to open his nightmare and dissect it. Even though he did it in a way which inflicting pain back to himself and from detached point of view. As if he's talking about someone else rather than his own self. But maybe, that's what accepting mean, to step in further into his own pain and fear to face it instead of denying or running away from it.

"Have you?" Jackson asked in a whisper, eyes slowly staring up into Bambam's calm and empathic eyes, "hating whatever it is?"

"Do I?" Bambam asked back, their eyes share more than looks, "I have questions, but I don't know if I hate, who am I going to blame if this life is everything I know? I've lived with pain, I've been told since little that it's only going to get worse rather than better, that's all I've known from the beginning. So who do I hate? Life itself? The doctors who told my prognosis? My parents? Myself?"

Jackson didn't even notice he's playing with his own fingers, have no words to say, everything feels too hollow, too empty to speak out. Suddenly he feel so little, even though he's older, Bambam holds more than his age does.

"I don't know what normal is, I don't know what it's like to live without counting hours to make sure I'll never miss my meds so the pain won't render me useless. Sometimes I think to myself, 'why am I born if it's to live like this?' I have questions which are never answered."

Jackson keep smoothing the folded lines over and over again, not focusing on it but the words said, "how will you find the answers?"

Bambam chuckled as if Jackson asked something ridiculous, "I live."

That feels like a hard jab to Jackson's heart, so simple yet deeper and harder to understand. 'Why' will always be the questions, whether you find the answers or not, that's how you live your life. Even though it's hard and seemingly have no point at all, that depends on how you see or want it to be. That's what Bambam meant. Jackson almost want to laugh at himself, a boy way younger than him can see the world more vastly than he ever did.

"I like to make origami," Bambam suddenly said, a smile playing on his lips as he made his last fold and slowly turn it around to create a form only he knew. "Lines crossing over other lines, seemingly messy and takes more than second guessing if the folds will do what is intended. But when you know what to do, make sense of the lining and then open it into different folds, it becomes something else, forming a beautiful art coming from patience and determination."

Jackson eyeing the beautiful crane origami, so smooth and detailed it looks like the crane about to take off and fly into the sky with it's beautiful white wings. He didn't realize there's something much deeper into something so simple, all this time he thought origami is nothing but a hobby someone would have, yet it's much more than that, depends on how you see it. Bambam see it in the beautiful way it does, what about Jackson? Have he seen anything in something more than what his eyes see?

Somehow, as he thinks so, Jaebum come to his mind. And he misses the man, there's an urge to apologize, to say thank you, to embrace him close to his heart and savor his calming scent and warmth. This time, rather than letting his tears spills out, Jackson smiled fondly at the promise which he made to himself to let Jaebum know what he feel.

Bambam mirroring the smile although Jackson wasn't looking at him, "what kind of origami are you going to make, hyung?'

"I don't know, I can barely do it, missed a tiny corner then it won't fit. I can force it and fold in the extra space, but it will be messy at the end and not to mention more confusing to do the process," he shrugged, reopening his paper and trying to straighten the folds.

"Do it slowly, step by step, patience is the key. You can't expect a nice outcome if you're not folding it carefully and only impatiently want to see the results rather than enjoying the process."

Jackson stay focused on his origami at the same time his mind soaking in the words Bambam said. Impatient, he's right, that's what Jackson have been doing lately. That he's impatient to know what worth is left in him rather than taking slow steps to understand and accepting better, to settle and rebuilt a new stronger foundation than forcing the broken pieces to withhold the new burden. Again, he's remembered of Jaebum.

'You're many things, Jackson. You're more than what you thought of yourself.'

Jaebum have always been there, how could Jackson be so blind?

He reach out to Bambam's cheek, stroking it fondly with gratefulness, "thank you Bambam."

The kid laughed as if he's an anti for something so melancholic, then try to lighten up the mood, joking and being the prankster he is. Jackson's heart feels lighter than it did yesterday or many days before, it feels as if he's finally start seeing things in different ways. It's quite strange, but a welcomed change.

When he wheels out from Bambam's and Jihee's room, he sees Yugyeom waiting outside and smiling softly to him.

"I'm sorry I didn't mean to eavesdrop but... I just can't seem to find the right time to come inside."

At first Jackson felt a bit ashamed, but then he realized, this is Yugyeom, "it's okay."

"He's amazing right?" Yugyeom said with awe in his voice as his finger pointing at the door to Bambam's room, "at first he seems like a superficial happy go lucky guy. But he sees many things more than what it seems, thinking in a way with bigger picture that's positive and compassionate. There was also a time when I feel down, but he was there and he pulled me up, always. I'm lucky to get to know him."

Jackson smiles because Yugyeom is right and there's this soft look in the younger's eyes, "I'm glad to have met all of you too."

There's a cute blush on grinning Yugyeom making Jackson want to coo at him, but he didn't and settle by giving the kid a pat on his head and be on his way back to his own room. It's still early in the evening, Jaebum haven't come from his work so Jackson climb to his bed and get comfortable under the blanket, maybe catch a nap if he could.

He closes his eyes, exhaling slowly to relax his body, weight getting heavier on the bed as his mind floating about. He didn't even notice when his eyes opening as his thoughts grows deeper and wider. He remembers dreadfully how bad it was the last time he was here, in this same hospital. How crucifying it was to deal with the pain, regret, hatred and shame. How it twist his emotions whenever he saw his parents, his friend, his Jaebum. There's guilt in his chest as he's reminded of how he threw his anger and hopelessness onto his lover, taking it out on Jaebum when all he did was staying with him and working hard to make it work.

Jaebum deserve better, he did. Even before Jackson being the way he is now, there are times when he thought so too. But then, does Jackson deserve less? He thinks about how strong Bambam and Jihee are, at how they could find happiness when everything seems bleak, with so little promises to their future and still be grateful for it. Then he start to think how he gets better from before, when he can't control his bladder, when he couldn't get down or up his own bed, go to toilet alone or cook for himself. He really did get better and he will get even better.

Isn't it selfish of him to condemn himself with his current life then when he still have a whole future ahead of him? He then thinks about Yugyeom, how the kid didn't let anything hold him back, when his dream of being a dancer closed up on him but then he took up tennis because there's still many things he could do and he could build another dream. And Jackson too, he could do it, nothing is stopping him except his own self.

Jackson rubs his face as he exhales deeply, he wants to see Jaebum so bad it's making his heart ache. He wants to tell him how much he loves him and to apologize for hurting him, he was being stupid. But he knows already Jaebum would say he wasn't being stupid, it's part of life, of growing up, a process to stand up again stronger than ever. Just like Bambam said, you have to enjoy and be patient during the process instead of jumping towards the result.

Jaebum deserve better, but that doesn't mean he can't be the one, he'll try harder to be better.

"Hi baby, you're awake?" the door opens slightly as said Jaebum peeking into the room.

"I just came back from the kid's room," Jackson instantly smiled, finally his lover come. Jaebum put down his bag on the chair beside the bed and kiss him on the forehead.

"Ah the kids you told me before? That one with a weird name? What was it..."

"Bambam," Jackson chuckled then pulls at Jaebum's arm so he lean down and kiss his lips. "Apparently his real name is too hard to pronounce."

Jaebum hummed and take off his jacket, "where's my mom?"

"I told her to go home first because her knees was starting to hurt and the sofa bed wasn't any of help," Jackson shifting to lay on one side of the bed, patting the new space to cue Jaebum to join him, "come here baby."

Jaebum was actually a bit surprised, he did noticed that Jackson starting to open up again and less depressed, but this is more than that. He's kind of awed seeing the gleam in Jackson's eyes and how soft and loving his smile seems. Dumbfounded, he gapes for a while before he point at his work clothes, "uh, I'm still dirty?" they both don't like it when any of them get into bed before washing up and change out of outside clothes.

But Jackson don't care right now, he just want to embrace his love so he pulls at Jaebum's arm and pat the space beside him again. Jaebum chuckled a bit then readily complying his lover, sighing deeply as he settles and wrapping his arms around Jackson's thinning body. Jackson feel so small within his arms now, no longer thick and muscular like he once was. But it's okay, Jaebum thinks, he promise himself to make sure he'll make his lover full again as he put a kiss to Jackson's temple.

"I love you," Jackson says and tightens his arms around Jaebum, tucking his head under Jaebum's chin and kissing the pulsating skin there, "I love you so much. I love you."

Jaebum's hand reach up to stroke Jackson's head, scratching the scalp to calm him because he caught the soft tremble of a sob within Jackson's voice, while his other arm cradling Jackson's waist. "I love you too Jackson, no word can describe how precious you are to me," he kissed his temple again and again, feeling a faint flutters of Jackson's eyelashes on his skin.

Just when Jaebum thought Jackson would answer 'you sappy', he was proven wrong because Jackson hold Jaebum's cheeks with both hands and deep eyes piercing warmly into his instead, "thank you, thank you for loving me and staying with me despite everything, even when I hurt you, or when I was... I was blind. Thank you and I'm sorry."

That feels like a dripping inside his warming chest until it's slowly pouring out like a melting ice inside, the heat of Jackson's warm hands on his cheeks, the once lost glint within Jackson's dark brown orbs feels like a warm light of sun in the spring amidst the ever present suffering around them. Without him realizing nor able to stop it, Jaebum's chest racking out a cry, so touched, so relieving yet bittersweet this moment is.

Jackson's wipe the lone tears with his thumb, eyes following the glistening eyes and warm tears which start spilling out, he kisses the damp cheek, feeling the vibration of Jaebum's shuddering breath as he closes his eyes and pour his beating heart into Jackson's heart. This time it's not only Jaebum so selflessly pour all his love and trust to Jackson, but this time Jackson too, once again, slowly opening up his broken door for Jaebum. To love, to trust again.

Their love, their lives are not lost.

Jackson chuckling with tears, sharing and bonding it all within their stares, fingers caressing each other skin to feel, to ground themselves at this moment as Jaebum gaze back with equal wet eyes. They kiss in the middle, soft lips meeting slightly dry, chapped lips so tenderly like the dancing under the sea, calm yet strong but also deep and mellow.

"I'm sorry," Jackson said again only for Jaebum to shake his head.

"No, thank you for coming back," he smiles and kisses his love and his life again.

Back to me, back to us.

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Omg it's been so long hasn't it? I try to update soon but writing this story feels like tearing myself apart and rebuilt it again and again. It takes a lot on me and sometimes I found it hard to write it.
> 
> But doesn't mean I won't write it, I will and am. It's also feels like I'm growing together with this story. To find peace, to find answers and trust. Aren't we all? 
> 
> I hope you will be patient with me :)) I love to get any feedback, so please tell me what you think of this story, or what you think you found within these chaotic and grammar errors plethora of words, lol. 
> 
> Thank you and I love you, I do. We're never alone even when we believe so.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Always."

"Jae, could you please massage my lower back?" Jackson sitting up on the hospital bed, wincing a bit when it hurts as he's bending a little bit forward.

"Sure," he get the massage lotion from the table beside the bed and lifted up Jackson's hospital top before he start rubbing it, "tell me if it hurts, okay?"

Jackson exhales slowly, closing his eyes in relief from how good it is Jaebum's fingers are pressing on the right spots, "I think I overdid it a little, it's hurting a bit now."

"And I think I heard something about you being scolded by a nurse from different department," Jaebum chuckled, sliding up on the bed to sit beside Jackson and massage him more comfortably. "What did you do?"

He snorted, a smile playing on his lips as he's remembering what happened earlier that day, "Yugyeom came today with his practice bag and he brought a can of tennis balls."

"Oh no, you didn't," Jaebum gasped in understanding then laughed.

"Oh we did," he laughed softly, "we played catch in Bambam's and Jihee's room, we thought we were doing it quietly but obviously we weren't. A nurse came just right when I almost knock over Bambam's drip pole, then I got scolded since I'm the only adult there and supposed to know better."

"I swear to god Jackson," Jaebum laughed along, accidentally pressing a bit too hard and caused Jackson to hiss, "oh sorry. But whose idea was it? Please don't tell me it was yours."

"It wasn't me!" Jackson quickly defended, "Jihee started it first! We were letting her play with it but then she suddenly threw it to Yugyeom and it just escalated from there."

"Hopefully there was no damage we need to cover?" he snorted.

"Nah, we really played it lightly so there was nothing damaged other than my ashamed soul from being scolded in my not so young age."

"That does sound nice though," Jaebum said, smiling from the way Jackson is laughing, it's been quite a while since the man look so cheerful, "they're good for you despite making you got scolded."

Jackson smiled softly, understanding what was it that Jaebum meant, "yeah, they are."

He turned around to look at Jaebum who's smiling too, no tense tension between them like the way it was when Jackson is plagued by the darkness, it's light and gentle. Wordlessly without any need to ask nor motioning for it, they are leaning in to share a kiss, almost like gratefulness.

Jaebum caressing Jackson's cheek with the back of his hand since it's slippery from the oil, "I love that color on you."

 _The color of life_ , Jackson knew that is what he meant, "me too."

"Stay with me and talk to me," he whispered, eyes firm and patient.

"I'm planning to," Jackson smiled before kissing Jaebum again.

At some nights Jackson still found himself unable to sleep, feeling restless. Some other day he sleep so long since he's tired from the ever running ill thoughts and how it's gnawing at his insides. But now he found it easier to open up and share his pain with Jaebum after he talked to Bambam, and in turn it makes it easier to cope. He's getting better and grateful that Jaebum also find a better way to handle him, he knows when to keep his distance and to support him when he needs to without being too careful and so Jackson is less irritated and more encouraged to share.

It's funny how they are still learning to handle each other even though they've been together for years, but if Jackson think about it, that's exactly why they're still going strong together, because they both respect and always trying to compromise with each other. The years they shared together does, inevitably, caused them to assume since they thought they already knew how the other's mind works which not always the best way to resolve a problem, if not making it worse. But at the end of the day they would talk about it and clear any misunderstanding which might take place.

It was why everything was starting to fall apart, because Jackson shut Jaebum out and not talking, while Jaebum thought it was the best to wait out until Jackson is ready. This time though, Jackson doesn't have the strength to open the door for Jaebum by himself, so when Jaebum waits, the time is ticking and ripping them apart slowly. It wasn't too late when Jaebum realized it and instead trying to pry open Jackson's door, gently and coaxing him out. And now Jackson knew and feel more at ease to depend more on Jaebum, psychologically.

Jackson understand now that being dependent like that wasn't an act of weakness nor was he being useless or worth less, it's part of communication and compromising to their life, their new life. He accepted it that his life is never going to be the same anymore, he can't go on in the same way he had been doing and he knows, he's glad to have Jaebum by his side and not anyone else. Jackson is going to stay and they will walk hand in hand together to ease in to their new life.

Finally he relented to meet his psychiatrist and share with her what's been in his mind, his fear and what if's, he also talked about Jaebum, his family and friends and how his life and their life will be affected. The fear will always be there, it was there when he was in his prime, and all the more existent with the current events, but the psychiatrist shared him stories without judgement nor what he should do, she only gave him inputs and many perspective for him to make his own choices. And he's grateful for that because he's still he's own person, then relief washes over him as some burden feels being lifted off of his shoulder. He's not alone.

Few days after that the psychiatrist deemed him fit to go home and continue his life, finally being discharged from the narrow rehabilitation room to his warm and welcoming home. He missed being home, but it was a bit unsettling to be away from the three kids since he found solace within them, he knows he could always visit though and Jaebum is with him, so he's soothed.

He brings the flowers from his hospital room home with him and instantly being smothered by his trio friends when he arrived. Jinyoung scolded him for bottling in his emotions, but then the man hugged him so tightly along with Mark and Youngjae, which later Jaebum joined into the group hug too.

He thought, ' _ah, it's so nice to be home_ ', and he's determined to never lose sight of it again.

The psychiatrist told him to do his hobby to help him, which is a hard thing to do when his hobby was fencing and the other was lazing around after a busy, tiring day. She said there are many things he could do and there's nothing stopping him, that he could try to venture into other things and Jackson is inspired by the many amazing stories she told him. In a way, the psychiatrist was insinuating that the only thing stopping him was himself, his mind and Jackson glad to have understand it. This is a war with himself, it always has.

Somehow, he find it relaxing to tend the plants, as he tried to keep the flowers which he got from when he was hospitalized alive. He didn't really intended it, he did it because it was there and thought it's a pity to let them wilt and dies. He googled how to tend those flowers and found himself immersed in it, happy and satisfied to see them striving from his tending, that his hands are still capable to nurture life. Unconsciously as he nurture those flowers and the one plant he bought when one by one the flowers inevitably started to dies, he was also nurturing his soul back alive again.

Sometimes Sungmin brought a flower too when he came for his therapy, other times it's his mom who gave him some of her own plants for him to take care of. So in a way, he did found a new hobby and he's intrigued to learn more other things since then. Drawing is a no go for him since it drove him frustrated because he just can't get the lines right like he wanted it to, beside Jaebum is always the better artist between them. He took up reading then and immensely surprised to find he likes it, how it pulls him into the other worlds and empathize with it to how he was interested to create his own lines of words. He showed Jaebum a poem he wrote, one which he thought was the best among the others he did, and Jaebum's reaction made him happy.

' _I always knew you have your own way with your words_.'

He had initially thought Jaebum would be surprised since he wasn't exactly a literature kind of guy, but it seems Jaebum's always able to see him better than himself and he's happy to realize it again. He spent a whole night smothering his lover with kisses and reading out loud his other poems, which then sometimes replied with Jaebum's own poetic words, or they laughed together to the too cheesy words. And it becomes a new routine for some nights they will spend a time reading and knitting beautiful words together with a glass of wine, a grape juice for Jackson since he's still recuperating.

The look on Jaebum's face was slightly surprised to see that Jackon is not yet sleeping even though the time shown almost 3 am. The man was scrolling through his phone absentmindedly and Jaebum noticed it, "why are you not asleep yet? What's on your mind?"

Jackson smiled since Jaebum doesn't hesitate to ask what he's feeling anymore, "you."

Jaebum took off his clothes to join in the bed and get ready to sleep, snuggling closer to Jackson who had put away his phone and settling more under the blanket, "what about me?"

"I'm thinking about our depleting savings," Jackson sighed, gathering Jaebum in his arms and cradles the man's head on his chest, fingers playing with the dark hair, "we still have to pay for the house installment, the bills and my check ups. You've been working so hard but it's not enough, isn't it? I'm scared thinking about what should we do if our savings run out for real... I want to help, but I haven't find how and I feel bad you never ask me for anything, it shouldn't be like this."

Jaebum hummed and keep quiet, tracing patterns on Jackson's clothed stomach, pinching at it occasionally as he's also thinking, "we will find away, as we always did. Being realistic though, it will get harder, I know. But we will find a way, don't think to much about it, we will cross the bridge when we get there, for now our savings are still enough, okay? Who knows, maybe I'll get promoted and earn more? Anything is possible, life has a way."

"Yeah, but still..." he exhales shakily, "should we cut my hospital check ups? Or maybe we could stop the physiotherapy so there's more money to spare? Sungmin had covered a lot of things and I can already manage fine now, it should be okay."

Jaebum straighten up to stare at Jackson, grabbing the man's jaw a bit firm with his stern eyes, "don't you dare cut your check ups, it's important. I know you want to help, but that's not how you do it, you're more important and I want you to be okay, so don't. For now, worry about getting better and focus on that, it will help me plenty and lessen my worry, okay?"

Jackson sighed again, but he relented and nodded, "okay... But about the physiotherapy?"

"That can only be discussed and decided by yourself and Sungmin, as I don't really understand. But please promise me if Sungmin said you still need it, don't refuse, just do it."

"But then nothing change..."

"I told you not to worry, we will get through this, just do your best to be better, that's all I need, want and asked of you, understand?"

Jackson subconsciously pouting from defeat and disappointment, but he do understand where Jaebum is coming from so he nodded again, "but promise me, to never hide nor hesitate to tell me if something happens, okay? You promised we're in this together, so don't try to handle it yourself."

"I promise," Jaebum chuckling and widening his eyes playfully when Jackson threw him skeptical looks, "I swear! I promise I will tell you."

"Remember what you did years ago when you didn't tell me shit?" Jackson deadpanned causing Jaebum to groan with an eye roll, "and you brought us to hell?"

"Why did you have to bring up the past, and I only did that once!" he whined, ashamed.

"I still can't believe how much of an idiot you were at that time," Jackson snorted, a bit of anger got replayed from the memory. "I never blame you for wanting to help your mom, seriously that was sweet of you. But you hid the fact that we were in deficit and borrowed money from a loan shark? I swore I nearly died from heart attack when I got held up by someone scary on my walk home and they said something about overdue payments that I had no idea of."

"God, Jackson," Jaebum rubs his face with both palms, guilty and ashamed but smiling a bit at how Jackson elaborate the story with dramatic hand gestures.

"I remember shouting at you, asking what the fuck is happening and why there are people knocking at our door almost everyday demanding payment, what payment?" Jackson pitched his voice higher in the remembrance of frustration, laughing and pinching Jaebum's cheek in angry, adoration. If that's even a thing, but that's precisely what Jackson is feeling.

"You was so angry and I got really terrified just looking at you..."

"Who wouldn't? I swear at that time I hated you so much, what's love? I don't know her. Then I thought, _god_ , I made a huge mistake being with you. I was so angry because you didn't tell me what you were going through, trying to fix it yourself only to fucked it up real bad. God, remembering it again I'm questioning myself now why I'm still here with you," Jackson groaned.

"You did broke up with me..." Jaebum pouts, tightening his arms around Jackson as if he's scared to be left alone now. "It was so scary that it feels like my blood is being drained, when you said you're breaking up with me. Yet you stayed, saying that you'll leave for good when everything is resolved and settled. You were a fucking angel and I was determined to change your mind before you really gonna move out and take yourself away from my life."

  
"I mean, I would leave right in that moment if I could, I can't take it anymore when going out of our house becoming too scary because these people just sprung up out of nowhere and terrorized me. There was one time when I asked Jinyoung to pick me up because I was scared to go home alone, we still got caught and they pushed us along with the motorbike to the point Jinyoung got injured? Hell no, I wasn't going to stick around with you anymore after that."

Jaebum pulls at Jackson's shirt guiltily, "then why did you?"

"Because of your mom," Jackson smiled, patting Jaebum's back as if telling him that he's not going to leave, that this was just a walk down on memory lane to learn better, "she's already like a second mother to me and I wouldn't want her to be hurt because I'm breaking up with you, at that point I love her more than I love you. I don't even know if I still love you at that time though, but she was in my mind whenever I tried to separate with you. But then, it was also because I know you, you didn't do what you did because you want it, you were just a gullible idiot and I know you'll be in so much shit if I were to leave. For all the years we've been together, although I was super pissed at you, I just can't do that to you, so I chose to stay until the whole issue got resolved before I will leave."

"You stayed in the end," Jaebum whispered, bringing up his hand to caresses Jackson's cheek.

"I don't know if love is to describe the feeling of heart fluttering, the butterflies and all the giddy emotions people are talking about, at that time there was none of that left in me towards you. But when I look at you the day before I was about to leave, I just," he exhales deeply, staring deep into Jaebum's eyes, "I just can't bear to leave you, there was so many emotions choking me that I realized, hell I still love you. It's not like those love people often depicted in romance novels or movies, but I know it is love and it's loud within me. It was then that I decided-"

Jackson stopped, realizing the words he was about to say and how true and strong it is, a reminder of what he had forgotten in the past months since the unfortunate accident, "that I will stay no matter what hell might come through. For all the good things you have done for me, I would also accept the idiocy you might do, how could I leave when the storm hits and stay when the everything is good? So I'll stay, for both the good and the bad."

It feels like a gentle, warm ripples in his heart as he said the words, slow yet steady and growing bigger and bigger until it's fusing with the surge of blood in his veins, becoming one with him. He smiled when a lone tears escaping Jaebum's eyes and the man quickly wipe it away before rolling to the other side to hide his face. Jackson hugging him from behind then, kissing the man's shoulder before rubbing his cheek to Jaebum's nape.

"I love you, my idiot," he said with another kiss to the nape.

Jaebum coiling his fingers on Jackson's arms, warm and slightly wet from his hidden tears, then he whispered, "thank you for staying..."

"Thank you for staying too, Jae," he blinked to rid the brimming tears in his eyes. It's hard to stay, but they will always try to stay, for better and worse. "Repairing as we go, we can do that, right? For the rest of our lives?"

"Always, Jackson, always," he whispered again, yet it holds so much more.

And Jackson echoes, "always."

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Huwaaaa it's been so long since I last update this~ I'm sorry! 
> 
> But at least I didn't left it with cliffhanger, right? :'D
> 
> They're getting better now :))


End file.
